Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize