how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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