If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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