dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
