I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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