The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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