Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
