he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
