Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
