I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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