I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
