i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
