Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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