I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
