Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize