hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
