I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
