My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
