you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
