One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
