I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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