Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
