Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
