You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
