Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize