I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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