Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
