I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i dont even know how to be here
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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