you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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