good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
