When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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