happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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