remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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