last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
