I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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