UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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