you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
