Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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