You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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