So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Is Oprah even human
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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