how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
