we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
