If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she peed on how many people?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
