Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm too high and old for this...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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