Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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