I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
