no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
