matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
