The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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