I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
that's an acceptable place to lick
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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