I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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