She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
