the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
