you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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