i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
