Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
