i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
