my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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