I feel like I'm in dance class right now
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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