So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
this boner is exhausting
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
