Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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