you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
