I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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