his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
false alarm, still single
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
