Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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