This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
